{"id":73,"date":"2009-03-06T14:39:41","date_gmt":"2009-03-06T21:39:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.aboutlistening.com\/wordpress-files\/?page_id=73"},"modified":"2009-03-06T14:40:03","modified_gmt":"2009-03-06T21:40:03","slug":"conflict-resolution-workshop","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/wordpress-files\/writings\/services\/conflict-resolution-workshop","title":{"rendered":"A Conflict Resolution Workshop: Mopti Region, Mali (November 1999)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\">Jeff Goebel <\/p>\n<p><b><i>This is a purposeful first person account of a training workshop I conducted for the SANREM CRSP-West Africa.\u00a0 Leading members of the newly formed Natural Resource Management Advisory Committee of Madiama Commune, local administrative and elected officials, extension agent, and collaborating researchers from the Regional Agricultural Research Center in Mopti united for seven days to learn about conflict resolution and holistic resource management.\u00a0 Here I will only recount those aspects that were an integral part of the conflict management and consensus-building process set in motion during those days.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p><b><i>One of the reasons this process is so effective in transferring skills is the process uses the primary learning ability of people, which is imitation.\u00a0 Because of this, the process is most effectively learned through an experiential process and repetition.\u00a0 I find when I do my work, it is important to be <\/i>consciously<i> purposeful.\u00a0 I am mindful to make sure that everything I do in a workshop is with purpose.\u00a0 My behavior and actions teach more than my words. \u00a0An observation to make about the transference of skills is to notice the shift of the use of \u201cI\u201d and \u201cthey\u201d from the first week to the second week.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p><b>Monday: Day One<\/b> \u2013 At 8:30 am, I checked the meeting room.\u00a0 It was set up in an organizational table style.\u00a0 Very much like what is common in the United States.\u00a0 I observed people took their places in the room, as they entered, based on their power base.\u00a0 The Governor\u2019s representative and another top official were to sit at the head of the room.\u00a0 Lassine <i>(SANREM CRSP-West Africa National Coordinator)<\/i> was asked to seat in the \u201cright-hand man\u2019s\u201d position.\u00a0 The more powerful national and regional people sat near the front, as did the Americans.\u00a0 The village people sat in the back, with the only two women sitting opposite each other in the rear corners, the low power base positions.\u00a0 I can see a lot without the words, maybe more.<\/p>\n<p>The room was basic.\u00a0 Two air conditioners screamed out from the wall and the acoustics were poor.\u00a0 It was a long room with tables in the way of creating a circle.\u00a0 It was hot and humid in the room.\u00a0 We waited to begin until the \u201cofficials\u201d arrived.\u00a0 They arrived at 10:30 am at which time everyone got quiet and stood for their arrival.\u00a0 A president was selected to manage the meeting for each day, usually a person of stature.\u00a0\u00a0 There were the traditional formal welcomes.\u00a0 The introductions of everyone were done quickly, each stating in a cold way who they were and what they did.<\/p>\n<p>Next, I was introduced.\u00a0 Because I didn\u2019t speak French, I spoke through Sam, my American training partner for Holistic Resource Management.\u00a0 I told them I was here to help them learn to do different things, so they would get different results with conflict resolution.\u00a0 Some of the things may be uncomfortable but many of these things are also uncomfortable in the United States, too.\u00a0 I told them I wanted to transfer my skills to them during the week and have them help me teach.\u00a0 I also told them that I wanted to be respectful to them and if I violated any of their customs, it would not be done intentionally.<\/p>\n<p>I told them that during the first couple days, I would teach a couple hours, then turn it over to Sam to teach holistic management.\u00a0 I said to watch what I do because everything I do is with purpose.\u00a0 I told them I couldn\u2019t speak French and it was okay for them to speak in whatever language they were comfortable with including French, Bambara, and Peul.\u00a0 I was honored to be with them.\u00a0 I told them I like to have new experiences, which helps me to grow.<\/p>\n<p>I turned the meeting over to someone in the group to facilitate the grounding.\u00a0 \u201cGrounding\u201d is a process that models listening with respect, establishes \u201cverbal territory\u201d for all participants.\u00a0 It engages the \u201cwhole\u201d brain through thinking and feeling questions, gets people rooted in the \u201chere and now\u201d, allows the expression of hidden agendas and shared hopes and apprehensions for the meeting, and provides initial information to the facilitator.\u00a0 I usually have a member of the group facilitate, demonstrating my willingness to share power as a facilitator and to allow participants to realize they can do this process themselves.<\/p>\n<p>I have the designated facilitator open the meeting with three questions: 1) introduce yourself and your relationship to the issue we are dealing with; 2) what are your expectations of this meeting; and 3) how do you feel about being here?\u00a0 The grounding was somewhat awkward as often happens with new experiences.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t completely understand what was going on all the time because of the language differences.\u00a0 It went out of order at times and the facilitator wanted to exert his power.\u00a0 We went around twice instead of the usual once.<\/p>\n<p>As the lead facilitator, the \u201cart\u201d of facilitation comes in as to when to let the group do the process even if it\u2019s not most effective, and when to intervene.\u00a0 I always demonstrate respectfulness to participants.\u00a0 I also use the adage as a facilitator that my role is to \u201cbe the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Next, I had Lassine lead the greeting circle.\u00a0 He did a wonderful job.\u00a0 He seemed excited about the possible uses of the circle.\u00a0 I learned they do a greeting circle after a conflict is resolved, not before.\u00a0 A \u201cgreeting circle\u201d is something I have learned and adapted from Native Americans.\u00a0 The participants all stand.\u00a0 The facilitator turns into the circle and greets the first person to their left or right (usually the opposite direction we went in the grounding for the sake of creating balance with whose first and whose last).\u00a0 The facilitator moves to the next person around the circle and the first person greeted turns and follows the facilitator. The circle of participants folds in on itself.\u00a0 The circle of participants continues around until each person greets and is greeted.<\/p>\n<p>The circle is a design of shared power, a theme continually reinforced through the conflict resolution process.\u00a0 People take their turn at greeting and being greeted.\u00a0 Since each culture greets differently, I usually pick a community leader to initiate the greeting by what is customary.\u00a0 The greeting is one of the oldest ways of connecting for humans.\u00a0 The flesh to flesh contact connects us as one community.<\/p>\n<p>I find that many conflicts, particularly the conflicts of intimidation, are resolved through the greeting, hence often the anxiety heard in loud voices as the process unfolds.\u00a0 The participants in Mali helped me see a different perspective of the use of the greeting circle at the beginning of a conflict session.\u00a0 They shared the idea that this allows the conflicting parties to build a friendship and allow them to put the conflict in the center of the circle to be resolved.<\/p>\n<p>We took a coffee break, and then I broke the people into four small groups by counting off.\u00a0 I got a good mix of people in the groups.\u00a0 I had them do \u201cadaptive learning\u201d about the greeting circle. I use adaptive learning to turn experiences into opportunities for learning.\u00a0 I had the people answer, \u201cHow did they feel about doing the greeting circle?\u201d and \u201cWhat did they learn that will help them be successful in resolving conflict?\u201d Conflict resolution is about becoming adaptable, not survival of the fittest.\u00a0 Conflict resolution is learning to find solutions with what I call \u201cAnd Logic\u201d meaning \u201chow do we do this AND do that?\u201d rather than \u201ceither \/ or\u201d thinking.<\/p>\n<p>For many people I have worked with around the world, the greeting circle is difficult.\u00a0 The activity creates anxiety, often with people meeting others they are in conflict with.\u00a0 Consequently, I find it important to let people express their feelings about the activity first, like a pressure cooker blowing off steam, before they can internalize the learning for the experience.\u00a0 It seems the greeting circle was a big success and a good way to start the week. We took a lunch break and I turned the rest of the day over to Sam. <\/p>\n<p>Later, there was a formal dinner for us in the courtyard.\u00a0 The participants actually did a greeting circle, which I commented on.\u00a0 They seemed to really like the day. <\/p>\n<p><b>Tuesday: Day Two<\/b> \u2013 I started the workshop with \u201cgrounding\u201d.\u00a0 I had one of the lesser powerful people lead the exercise, a NRMAC member from one of the villages.\u00a0 He got interrupted several times, but did a very good job.\u00a0 He started with the Bambara speaking people first.\u00a0 It took a long time to go around because everything was translated.\u00a0 I find that I don\u2019t need to hear everything.<\/p>\n<p>After the grounding, I had Mike <i>(SANREM CRSP-West Africa Project Manager)<\/i> and Sam role-play the conflict of different views in the room based on where they sat in the circle.\u00a0 This went very well.\u00a0 They played the parts well, spoke louder, started name-calling and asked others to support their viewpoint.\u00a0 This helped the group see about conflicting parties.\u00a0 I asked who was right?\u00a0 I also told them the value of those sitting with a view of both sides of the room and how they are important for resolving conflict.<\/p>\n<p>Next, I again broke them into small groups using the counting method since there still is a great deal of division between groups when people sit in the room.\u00a0 The small groups explored the role of a successful facilitator.\u00a0 This went very well.\u00a0 People really like activities and to be engaged.\u00a0 They are a wise people, so they did a great job defining this role.\u00a0 This activity helps them define how they do their business.<\/p>\n<p>The next activity was to describe the role of a successful recorder.\u00a0 After they made their lists of the usual things, I mentioned how important this role is in developing trust with groups in conflict.\u00a0 I often use these early activities for many purposes.\u00a0 These activities continue to build listening skills, build trust, and help define participant roles.<\/p>\n<p>I then introduced the concept of using a listener when dealing with a one on one conflict.\u00a0 This really stirred the group as they saw this new way of doing conflict resolution as a great way to deal with interpersonal conflicts.\u00a0 Several got up to the board and drew diagrams about how this would work, so they were teaching each other.<\/p>\n<p>I also mentioned about the importance of sharing power at this point in the morning.\u00a0 I mentioned the importance of honoring the role of authority, but when confronting conflict, it is important to involve everyone equally to come to solutions.\u00a0 I have learned that the 2<sup>nd<\/sup> Law of Thermodynamics applies to humans as well.\u00a0 Power has a tendency to want to become equalized.\u00a0 Power struggles drain communities of energy and resources.\u00a0 The dominant party seems to prevail yet passive to aggressive undercutting behaviors are prominent from opposing, less powerful parties.<\/p>\n<p>After a solution is reached, the community can implement the solution through the lines of authority.\u00a0 There will be new behaviors with the group if all people are part of the solution.\u00a0 I believe consensus is reflected in a change of behavior, which is much stronger than just word changes.\u00a0 I also find consensus is for all members of the group to do what is right, not necessarily what they want. <\/p>\n<p><b>Wednesday: Day Three<\/b> \u2013 We began as always with yesterday\u2019s reporter telling what happened.\u00a0 Next, a new president was selected.\u00a0 I had also selected a new facilitator from the group.\u00a0 He appeared very nervous to do this.\u00a0 He had only moderate power with this group.\u00a0 I thought I would break some of the stereotypes from the day before of the role of the successful facilitator, such as being a strong, dominant individual.<\/p>\n<p>He led the grounding and did a fine job.\u00a0 We went around pretty quickly.\u00a0 I was pleased with how people are really enjoying this training.\u00a0 The community representatives were especially excited to take what they learned back home.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I came to do.\u00a0 People were mixing a little more in the circle today, which is also a great sign.<\/p>\n<p>Next, we broke into small groups by counting off by six.\u00a0 I had the facilitator pick a facilitator in each group and designate a recorder.\u00a0 The facilitator seemed like he was losing confidence with helping and I was afraid of losing him.\u00a0 I needed Sam to help me help the facilitator be successful.\u00a0 Sometimes I find I need to nudge the facilitator by assuring that he is doing the right thing, in order to help them be successful.\u00a0 Now was the moment!\u00a0 Sam helped and the facilitator finally spoke, with my gentle but strong encouragement.\u00a0 After that, he did wonderfully.\u00a0 It was important to set the model for the group so they could imitate this process and realize that they can do this work.<\/p>\n<p>I had the facilitator direct each small working group to<b> <\/b>explore the worst possible outcomes after the workshop is over.\u00a0 They did not want to talk about this.\u00a0 There were loud voices and lots of stirring.\u00a0 Finally, they did the task and reported out.\u00a0 They were not happy talking about this.\u00a0 My assumption is this group is really afraid of conflict!\u00a0 They wondered why I asked this question.\u00a0 I had the facilitator give some insights, next, Sam read off the visual for the exercise, and then I finished.\u00a0 That was difficult!\u00a0 They were ready for a coffee break.<\/p>\n<p>Most people I work with have difficulty expressing their worst possible outcomes.\u00a0 It\u2019s as if we are afraid to speak of these things for fear they may become reality.\u00a0 I find it is important for people to express their worst possible outcomes from confronting a conflict.\u00a0 These are beliefs of why we won\u2019t address the conflict.\u00a0 However, this doesn\u2019t make the conflict go away.\u00a0 In fact, if our belief in the worst possible outcome is strong, it affects our beliefs, behaviors, strategies and actions, consequently creating the \u201cself-fulfilling prophecy\u201d.\u00a0 What we don\u2019t want to see happen, we actually end up creating.<\/p>\n<p>People have a present physiological response to this projected future imagined event usually based on past experiences.\u00a0 After having people express their worst possible outcomes, I also have them express their best possible outcomes.\u00a0 The best possible outcomes are also possibilities of the future, sometimes based on past experience with a present sensed emotion and physical response (endorphin response).\u00a0 Best possible outcomes can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if strongly held.\u00a0 I find the balance of worst and best possible outcomes allows me to achieve the desired results.\u00a0 Conflict resolution is more than just positive thinking.<\/p>\n<p>After the coffee break, I had the facilitator ask the group what were the best possible outcomes after the workshop.\u00a0 There was quite a discussion about what this question meant.\u00a0 I think they just aren\u2019t used to thinking this way.\u00a0 The interpretation ended up being what had been said in the first place.\u00a0 They did a great job with best possible outcomes!<\/p>\n<p>Now, they are ready to figure out \u201chow\u201d to make the best outcomes happen.\u00a0 I explained what I call \u201cthe Vanna White effect\u201d from the American Television game show \u201cWheel of Fortune\u201d.\u00a0 I put a phrase with a missing letter on the easel such as \u201cB_D\u201d. \u00a0People have a tendency to fill in the space, automatically.\u00a0 The human mind is a problem-solving organ.\u00a0 The mind automatically wants to solve problems.\u00a0 If there are no problems to solve, then we often create problems to solve.<\/p>\n<p>I am glad to have done the worst \/ best \/ possibility exercise with a focus on life after the workshop, as I believe this will create more positive movement.\u00a0 I got us back into a large circle and asked a community leader to honor the facilitator.\u00a0 He did with everyone sitting.\u00a0 So, I intervened and had everyone stand, bringing the facilitator to the center.\u00a0 The president from the previous day felt left out and we ended up with 2 presidents, 2 recorders and the facilitator in the center.\u00a0 It was great!\u00a0 They are taking ownership.<\/p>\n<p>Honoring people is another way to build community.\u00a0 After I model the process of honoring, I often use it to resolve conflicts between parties by asking one side to speak to the other by saying something respectful or why we appreciate their presence in our community.\u00a0 The people in the center of the circle, who are being honored, are often very self-conscious.\u00a0 Again, conflict resolution is about awareness.\u00a0 Self-consciousness is the first step to self-awareness, which allows change of behavior to occur.<\/p>\n<p>When we sat down, I talked about the importance of balance: men and women, Peul and Bambara, young and old.\u00a0 I also spoke of the importance of honoring tradition and honoring the new.\u00a0 Both are important!\u00a0 I have learned that diversity initially strikes fear within most people.\u00a0 Sameness yields comfort and thus the adage, \u201cbirds of a feather flock together\u201d.\u00a0 However, I have also learned that sameness over time leads to boredom and diversity can lead to richness for the community, or value added.\u00a0 When I first work with groups, it\u2019s easy to split them into diverse groups by counting off because the same points of view often sit together.<\/p>\n<p>I spoke of why I had the facilitator help, to break the beliefs, or stereotypes, of what a facilitator needs to be like.\u00a0 I also explained that this gives confidence to the group to do this work after a fine example from a local person.\u00a0 I also mentioned about doing things different than previously taught.<\/p>\n<p><b>Thursday: Day Four<\/b> \u2013 I got started for the day.\u00a0 I asked Lassine to select today\u2019s facilitator for me and to get that started.\u00a0 First we had the reading of yesterday\u2019s minutes and the traditional selection of a new president and reporter.\u00a0 Next, Lassine actually selected the person I wanted originally.\u00a0 The new facilitator asked the grounding questions.<\/p>\n<p>I like to rotate the \u201cpower\u201d of facilitator and the \u201clistening\u201d of the recorder around the group.\u00a0 This helps reduce the power struggle and fosters continually improving facilitation, recording, and participation skills.\u00a0 It\u2019s like riding a bike.\u00a0 At first, we are wobbly and fall frequently.\u00a0 As we get better at riding, most of the activity is done on a subconscious level.\u00a0 This conflict resolution process is the same.\u00a0 At first, it is slow and takes time.\u00a0 As people learn the skills and behaviors with associated beliefs, they do it subconsciously.\u00a0 I use the adage \u201cto go slow, to go fast\u201d, to express this change.<\/p>\n<p>People were generally satisfied, but some were uncomfortable and even frustrated that I wasn\u2019t giving them definitive answers to the questions.\u00a0 I explained when it got to me that I would be violating my own beliefs if I said my point of view was the only point of view.\u00a0 I referred back to the circle.\u00a0 I also said that everyone in the circle was a teacher and everyone was a student.\u00a0 I also mentioned the importance of leaving things unresolved, for the participant to solve it in their own way.\u00a0 As the grounding continued, I observed that Mike had been skipped because he was sitting outside the circle typing notes.\u00a0 The facilitator took his own initiative to ask Mike to also answer.\u00a0 The process is being adopted!<\/p>\n<p>Once the grounding was complete we went on with the next exercises.\u00a0 I mentioned again about doing different things to get different results.\u00a0 I also said that the conflict resolution process begins by building relationships through respectful listening, resulting in a quick development of trust.\u00a0 This is what we had done earlier this week, which was the important relationship building work.\u00a0 Now we were going to learn the conflict resolution process (see Attachment 1).<\/p>\n<p>I told them I want diverse opinions in the small groups, so I went ahead to create that.\u00a0 Since the group was beginning to be more comfortable with the many participants as observed by villagers and researchers beginning to sit with each other, I used a new way to demonstrate how to create diversity in setting up small groups.\u00a0 I broke the group up by where they lived and had different community members honor people from other community.\u00a0 For example, I had a person from Bamako, the capitol, honor the villagers and visa versa.\u00a0 Since I had \u201clike people\u201d in the center, I had them each counted off into four groups, creating the diversity I desired.<\/p>\n<p>I instructed the facilitator to ask the questions; 1) Define Conflict? 2) What is the evidence of unresolved conflict in their environment? and 3) How do they feel about confronting conflict?\u00a0 These questions let participants assess the present situation from different points of view.\u00a0 People in conflict don\u2019t have enough information to solve the conflict so this step begins gathering the information to resolve the conflict.\u00a0 When groups are in intense conflict, I often begin by using a generic process of understanding conflict and associated behaviors and beliefs.\u00a0 Later I confront the real conflict once they develop an understanding that conflict can lead to best outcomes.<\/p>\n<p>They went to work, but I could feel resistance from several more power members of the group about me not giving answers.\u00a0 They answered the questions just like people in my workshops do in America, except they used the word \u201cfear\u201d rather than \u201cavoidance\u201d to describe their feeling about confronting conflict.\u00a0 I believe Africans with are more afraid of confronting conflict than my American participants, based on many past experiences.\u00a0 I imagine this is because that more serious pain has been experienced or reported in Africa as a consequence of confronting conflict.<\/p>\n<p>I had the facilitator give his insights, and then it was time for the coffee break.\u00a0 I provide my insights to the whole group usually after the participants experience an activity.\u00a0 This gives them a real point of reference to base my insights on and they can see how the experience affected them personally.<\/p>\n<p>When everyone returned, I visually demonstrated conflict.\u00a0 An effective visual activity is a powerful way to communicate concepts for later recall.\u00a0 I had a participant who seemed to be most resistant to me not answering, stand in the center of the circle.\u00a0 I asked him to go a certain direction and I would go in the opposite direction.\u00a0 No conflict.\u00a0 Next I said I wanted him to make me go his way even though I wanted to go another way.\u00a0 He was reluctant to push me, but did with my insistence.\u00a0 Everyone laughed.\u00a0 I said is this conflict?\u00a0 Oui!<\/p>\n<p>I told the group I decided he was too big to fight, so I would go his way.\u00a0 With arms across our shoulders as we walked, I kept tripping him as he tried to walk.\u00a0 I asked was the conflict resolved and they said no.\u00a0 This was sabotage.\u00a0 They had used this word earlier.\u00a0 I honored my friend for helping.\u00a0 I felt if I did this exercise with this person, it would resolve his issue with me.\u00a0 It did.<\/p>\n<p>I had the facilitator have the group answer the Worst Possible Outcomes of confronting and not confronting conflict.\u00a0 Wow!\u00a0 Another conflict.\u00a0 They did not want to answer and spent several minutes debating what the question was.\u00a0 Finally, they worked on it.\u00a0 The groups answered it not in the order like I asked, but it got the point across.\u00a0 The first groups to report out describe the worst possible outcomes of confronting a conflict.\u00a0 They share how bad things can be if they confront the conflict.\u00a0 If they believe it \u201cwill\u201d be that bad, they won\u2019t confront the conflict.<\/p>\n<p>After the first group reports out, I have the second group report out how bad things can be if they do NOT confront the conflict.\u00a0 Everyone is amazed to learn the worst outcomes of NOT confronting are the same, if not worse, than confronting the conflict.\u00a0 Because the mind wants to find resolution, this creates a paradox in the mind and allows the opportunity to explore another way of confronting conflict, the best possible outcome.<\/p>\n<p>I presented the Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing diagram (see Attachment 2).\u00a0 This diagram is a model of the process people go through in the development of relationships.\u00a0 In the Forming stage, we join together based on our similarities.\u00a0 The Storming phase is where we discover we have significant differences.\u00a0 In this stage, we focus on the worst possible outcomes and people tend to be reactive.<\/p>\n<p>The relationship can go four different directions from here.\u00a0 1) We can stay in conflict or Storming.\u00a0 2) We can end the relationship through distance, separation, divorce or even death.\u00a0 The question of whether this relationship is worth it is asked to determine this outcome.\u00a0 3) We can force or be forced in Conforming, in which one party\u2019s desires become submissive to the other party.\u00a0 4) We can choose to move to Norming, in which a choice is made to accept the relationship even with the differences.\u00a0 As a result, new norms are developed to have a functional relationship.<\/p>\n<p>The focus becomes one of best possible outcomes and proactive.\u00a0 This allows the relationship to move to Performing.\u00a0 The process is cyclical and returns to Forming and Storming as new differences are confronted.\u00a0 The better people can develop skills of effectively dealing with difference, the more time the relationship can be in the Performing stage.<\/p>\n<p>The workshop participants really liked this model and it made a lot of sense to them.\u00a0 All of this was getting translated to Bambara.\u00a0 Next, I had the facilitator have the group work with the Best Possible Outcomes of confronting conflict.\u00a0 They had a wonderful list and they also seemed to feel good inside about this.\u00a0 I believe they were getting the point.<\/p>\n<p>I showed the Change Process diagram with results being either Worst Possible Outcomes or Best Possible Outcomes (see Attachment 3).\u00a0 I showed if you want to change at a basic level, you change strategies and actions \u2013 modification.\u00a0 If you want to change at a fundamental level, then you change beliefs and behaviors \u2013 transformation.\u00a0 If you are generally satisfied with the results you are getting in your life, then a simple modification of activities and strategies is generally good enough.\u00a0 However, if you are not satisfied with the results in your life, a transformational change of beliefs and behaviors is probably necessary to get different results.<\/p>\n<p>I told them this is where I do my work today.\u00a0 I said if they want to change the Sahel, they have to change their beliefs and behaviors.\u00a0 I suggested that Sam was introducing some new beliefs and behaviors concerning overgrazing. \u00a0I also pointed out that they were discovering some new ways to confront and successfully resolve conflict.\u00a0 In my portion of the workshop, they were learning new beliefs and behaviors to foster their best possible outcomes of confronting conflict.<\/p>\n<p>I also mentioned it was impossible for them to reverse desertification of the Sahel.\u00a0 I also told them that IS what humans do.\u00a0 They accomplish seemingly impossible tasks, such as reversing desertification.\u00a0 I told them, with belief in my voice, they would do it if they chose to do so.<\/p>\n<p>Next, I had the facilitator have two groups do beliefs and behaviors and the other two groups do strategies and actions.\u00a0 Again, their answers were fabulous!\u00a0 The groups developed beliefs, behaviors, strategies and actions consistent with fostering their best outcomes.<\/p>\n<p>The facilitator did an outstanding job all morning.\u00a0 He was a great role model for the rest of the participants doing all of my simple tips extremely well such as standing outside of the group\u2019s circle which respects their community and doesn\u2019t impose his presence too strongly on their efforts to resolve their issues.\u00a0 Again, a successful facilitator is \u201ca guide on the side, not the sage on the stage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>We broke for lunch.\u00a0 Lassine seemed frustrated during the morning.\u00a0 He said people were expecting me to \u201cfix\u201d the Sahel.\u00a0 He had told them \u201chow can he if he has never been to the village.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t know what is there.\u201d\u00a0 He said I was here to bring tools for them to use.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>After lunch, I did the yarn \/ relationship visual (see Attachment 4).\u00a0 The yarn \/ relationship visual is a role-playing exercise that demonstrates the complexity of conflict and the amount of energy that is returned to a parties who resolve even one conflict.\u00a0 I started to have one of the women become married to one of the men.\u00a0 A noise came up and Sam said watch it.\u00a0 I was embarrassed, but a researcher who has done a fine job of translating Bambara and English asked what my situation was.\u00a0 I said I wanted to do an exercise and not violate their customs.\u00a0 The group said to have the other woman and man be the married ones.\u00a0 I asked if that would be okay and they all said yes.<\/p>\n<p>I showed two relationships with two people, then how those relationships increased with a son, then a daughter (the original woman enjoyed the idea of being the daughter).\u00a0 I then added farming the land, and a conflict with herders.\u00a0 I showed how resolving the conflict with the herder gives more energy back to the community.<\/p>\n<p>One person said if the conflict was with a hippo, how would the others relate to the situation.\u00a0 With quick thinking, I said if the family went hungry, where would their food come from?\u00a0 I said the neighbors would be mad at the hippo.\u00a0 Consequently, a neighbor\u2019s conflict with a hippo can easily become their conflict.\u00a0 They really liked this visual demonstration.\u00a0 I honored the group for helping.<\/p>\n<p>Next, I honored the facilitator, presidents, and reporter.\u00a0 They seem to like this activity and all wanted to join in.\u00a0 I also honored Sam, Lassine, and my Bambara translating friend for helping me to communicate.\u00a0 I had Mike lead a silent greeting circle.\u00a0 There were some giggles from a participant who wasn\u2019t at the opening session.\u00a0 I finished with an adaptive learning session in the large group.<b>\u00a0 <\/b>Everyone said they learned a tremendous amount and were satisfied.<\/p>\n<p>I do three different versions of a greeting circle.\u00a0 I use the \u201ctalking\u201d greeting circle usually to open a meeting, particularly with groups that are in conflict, newly formed groups, and old groups.\u00a0 I do this with old groups to create potential equity with the power structure that has formed over the years.\u00a0 I also do a \u201csilent\u201d greeting circle at the end of a meeting to create the balance of opening with sound and closing with silence.\u00a0\u00a0 People often find this quite powerful and a more effective way to communicate than the \u201ctalking\u201d greeting circle.\u00a0 I also do an \u201caffirmation\u201d greeting circle where only the people doing the greeting (on the inside) do the talking which usually is an affirming statement to the participants on the outside.<\/p>\n<p><b>Friday: Day Five<\/b> \u2013 At breakfast, Mike talked about his concerns for setting the stage for the next week and beyond.\u00a0 He wants the process to be commune driven and respected by the researchers.\u00a0 Mike also wants it to be very participatory as well with other NGOs and agencies joining in and a model for other areas.\u00a0 His conflicts about the present situation and the best possible outcomes gave me a puzzle to solve, the application of the \u201cVanna White Effect\u201d in my own mind.\u00a0 My question to myself was \u201chow can I make all these things happen given my skills and the opportunities I am presented with?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At about noon, Mike opened up discussion about SANREM\u2019s expectations from the work.\u00a0 It created quite an uproar, which I didn\u2019t comprehend verbally, but I made guesses from the body language.\u00a0 Everybody was going around in circles with lots of fears expressed.\u00a0 It seemed there was still the potential conflict between the mayor of the village and the president of the newly formed commune committee.\u00a0 Just before the lunch break, I suggested people remember the four steps of the conflict resolution process.<\/p>\n<p>At lunch, I offered to Mike to use the process to resolve the conflicts and build support.\u00a0 Real situations build much greater confidence for the group to use the conflict resolution process because they can see successful results.\u00a0 It also serves the added benefit of getting a real conflict resolved, adding more energy for the community to resolve other issues.\u00a0 I felt a confidence within myself even though there were many barriers.\u00a0 What an opportunity to demonstrate this work!\u00a0 We talked about his concerns and hopes and he agreed with me.\u00a0 His biggest concern was could we get everything done in the 1-\u00bd hour we had available.\u00a0 I said I had done this many times (but not with a group of people I couldn\u2019t understand).<\/p>\n<p>I developed my strategy for success.\u00a0 I would begin with a panel including Mike, Kodio (the lead regional researcher), the mayor of Madiama and the president of the Project\u2019s Commune Committee.\u00a0 I select people in a panel who have diverse and strong viewpoints.\u00a0 Mike represented USAID and is American.\u00a0 Kodio represents the leadership of the regional research group and is a Dogon.\u00a0 The mayor represents the newly formed power structure at the Commune-level through democratic elections.\u00a0 The president represents SANREM\u2019s newly formed commune committee to represent this project.<\/p>\n<p>A real conflict existed between the mayor and the president.\u00a0 I also wanted to work on resolving that situation.\u00a0\u00a0 I would also have the local extension agent help me facilitate.\u00a0 I would go through the four steps and end with adaptive learning.<\/p>\n<p>Mike, Lassine, and Sam were strategizing and I joined them.\u00a0 I asked what the purpose of the conflict resolution session was.\u00a0 It was to plan what to do on Monday and Tuesday to help the committee and researchers prepare for the January SANREM meeting.\u00a0 We also agreed on the panel, which they had already changed, but as we talked, it ended up exactly what I had designed.\u00a0 We went to the room.\u00a0 I met with Sam and the extension agent and discussed the plan.\u00a0 I would start the panel then turn it over to the extension agent.<\/p>\n<p>The panel did exceptionally well.\u00a0 There was agreement about moving this forward within the context of concerns to overcome to make it happen.\u00a0 I had the extension agent honor the panel.\u00a0 Next, I had the other commune committee representatives, researchers, and others go to the center to be honored and counted off.\u00a0 They divided up.<\/p>\n<p>I had the facilitator ask the groups what is one thing they learned from the panel, two things they wanted to say about the present situation and how they felt about it.\u00a0 In the reports out, they said there was a consensus about moving forward.<\/p>\n<p>Next, I had the facilitator ask the worst possible and best possible outcomes of this situation.\u00a0 They did well.\u00a0 They really seemed beyond not believing this was going to work.\u00a0 Their best outcomes were very exciting and uplifting.\u00a0 I now had the facilitator ask how to make this happen, the strategies and actions to foster the best possible outcomes.\u00a0 They came up with a good list of important steps including going back to the village this weekend and letting everyone know.<\/p>\n<p>I also decided to have the four panel members tell the group what they were going to do after listening to the discussion.\u00a0 Even though they talked about lofty things beyond their personal responsibilities, they were ready to go.\u00a0 We ran out of time because the governor\u2019s representative of Mopti was there to close the session.\u00a0 I still managed to point out the importance of asking how they felt and what they learned to help them be successful.\u00a0 I also commented on how much they got done in a very short period of time.\u00a0 Everyone was impressed with how this worked.\u00a0 Go slow to go fast!\u00a0 Finally, I honored the facilitator with how great a job he did.<\/p>\n<p>The governor\u2019s representative came in with his right hand man.\u00a0 There was a traditional thank you speech and good work.\u00a0 Next, the group went into doing a greeting circle automatically.\u00a0 They also honored the helpers from today.\u00a0 When the governor\u2019s representative left, the \u201cVanna White Effect\u201d took over and they got to develop the agenda for Monday and Tuesday.\u00a0 Everyone stayed.\u00a0 The commune committee agreed to do the presentations at the commune with Sam and I available as resources.\u00a0 Great!!!<\/p>\n<p><b>Monday: Day Six<\/b> \u2013 We arrived at Madiama at 9:45.\u00a0 The faces were many, familiar and very warm.\u00a0 Lots of handshakes!\u00a0\u00a0 There was an excitement in the air.\u00a0 We met the village chief.\u00a0 We took a long walk through the rather large adobe village (pop. 2-3000).\u00a0 The mayor and president walked in front together.\u00a0 And again, handshakes!\u00a0 We sat on a mat on the ground next to the chief and the village elders.\u00a0 The welcome was filled with happiness and friendliness reflecting the success of Friday\u2019s intervention.<\/p>\n<p>Our workshop was held in an empty rice storage facility.\u00a0 Our meeting room \/ granary was the largest.\u00a0 The room was set up in a big circle of chairs with easels at the front.\u00a0 The positional power was at the front and the two-committee women sat in the position of low power as illustrated in the organizational table structure.<\/p>\n<p>The workshop was all taught in Bambara and facilitated by village participants from last week.\u00a0 Kodio and Lassine set the stage for the two-day workshop.\u00a0 One of the researchers was selected as president for the day and we had two reporters again.\u00a0 There is a tremendous ownership of the process with today\u2019s president.\u00a0 However, he is overbearing with his big size and booming voice and uses it to get people to pay attention.\u00a0 Learning to share power and be the guide on the side versus the sage on the stage is one of the important lessons that still need to be effectively communicated.\u00a0 Kodio said to the group to get closer and make a tighter circle by pushing out extra chairs.\u00a0 I counted 41 people and by the end of the day we were up to 46.<\/p>\n<p>The mayor opened the meeting with a welcome.\u00a0 The committee president, who was designated by the SANREM CRSP-initiated committee formed by this project and still wasn\u2019t sure what status it had in the commune, was growing in positional power and respect.\u00a0 The grounding was a simple: \u201cWho are you?\u201d \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d and \u201cWhere are you from?\u201d\u00a0 Everyone spoke.<\/p>\n<p>The Greeting Circle was received with much surprise and did not begin correctly, but was corrected by the group about half way and turned out fabulously.\u00a0 People were asked who wanted to speak about the greeting circle (adaptive learning) and a randomness of answers came out expressing the pleasure this created and the significance for getting everyone together before entering the conflict.\u00a0 They do this traditionally after a conflict is resolved, but not as a tool before.<\/p>\n<p>Next, they asked about the role of a successful facilitator and recorder.\u00a0 Here it was pointed out that everyone should speak in an order and this was corrected for the rest of the day.\u00a0 They next defined conflict with the group doing the conflict visual.\u00a0 The president began the visual but the person who had helped me demonstrate the visual the previous week corrected it since he lived the experience.\u00a0 They also wanted to show the two ladies (old and young example from Stephen Covey\u2019s book <i>The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People<\/i>).\u00a0 This demonstrated conflict resolution very well and the point that both views are right.\u00a0 They also talked about evidence of unresolved conflict and their thoughts about confronting conflict.<\/p>\n<p>I was totally honored by the depth of their learning and their confidence of expression.\u00a0 I just sat back and enjoyed the transfer of skills from last week\u2019s students to this week\u2019s students.\u00a0 The new teachers of this process also demonstrated the importance of listeners for one-on-one conflict and took it upon themselves to visually demonstrate this using the conflict between a tax collector and a poor farmer.<\/p>\n<p>They did the yarn exercise.\u00a0 They gathered scarves for the demonstration, but one of the women I gave the yarn to produced the yarn and they did the exercise.\u00a0 They really enjoyed this.\u00a0 Everyone wanted to see, getting up and looking.\u00a0 One of the women, Fanta, was asked to play a part.\u00a0 This group was engaged!\u00a0 A high level of trust and respect was present.<\/p>\n<p>They honored the community facilitator and other community helpers.\u00a0 They clap their hands for everyone, which seems cultural.\u00a0 Bringing people to the center of circle is new, but they enjoy doing that and see the benefit.\u00a0 The project is going right where SANREM dreamed, into the heart of the commune.\u00a0 The participants did an outstanding job of presenting.\u00a0 They HAVE some new tools and they incorporated them well in what they are already doing.<\/p>\n<p>Lassine said he has not seen a group pick something up so fast and thoroughly before.\u00a0 The researchers were also very respectful and I believe will honor the community and have built a lasting friendship.\u00a0 It will be easier for them to work here, I suspect.<\/p>\n<p><b>Tuesday: Day Seven<\/b> \u2013 We got to the village at 9 am.\u00a0 After breakfast, we headed out for a tour of the land around the Madiama commune (10 villages).\u00a0 We went to the causeway first to view rice production on one side and pasture uses on the other.\u00a0 There is a conflict about land use.<\/p>\n<p>Next we looked at pastureland that was recently under water.\u00a0 The \u201cfloating herb\u201d grass (<i>bourgou<\/i>) was starting to grow.\u00a0 We went to another site that had a parasitic weed (<i>striga<\/i>) that taps into the root of millet. I found and shared a lavender-colored dung beetle doing its job on goat dung.\u00a0 Termites do a great job of recycling organic matter.<\/p>\n<p>The last site was where large herds of Peul herders held their cattle each night, across the highway.\u00a0 There were volumes of manure there, and it was breaking down.\u00a0 During most of the morning, a conflict brewed between the president and one of the other local participants about the cattle.\u00a0 The conflict was about the fact that the Peul herders were staying in the area more now because they wanted to stay closer to their \u201cgood women\u201d at home, this increases the pressure on the commune and its resources.<\/p>\n<p>The conflict was easy to observe as the parties used size and distance throughout the day to demonstrate their level of strength with this issue.\u00a0 Size is often used in terms of importance or \u201cposition power\u201d of people involved in a conflict or numbers of people involved.\u00a0 Distance is used in terms how close or far away individuals position themselves, depending on their perception of their level of power.\u00a0 These types of conflicts are significant to confront and successfully resolve to bring about effective change to the desertification issues of the region.<\/p>\n<p>We got back at 1:30 pm.\u00a0 I sat with the group of lesser power without interpretation of the verbal language.\u00a0 I also displayed my pictures from home on my computer to show people.\u00a0 Right after lunch, Kodio recapped the tour for those that didn\u2019t go due to limited space in the three vehicles.\u00a0 For the next 1\u00bd hours, a discussion persisted with the group focusing on tools.\u00a0 I wanted to contribute but decided to do this only if I was asked.<\/p>\n<p>Finally, at 4, the discussion was getting wrapped up.\u00a0 Lassine was going to just break the meeting off, but the group demanded a greeting circle and honoring of all people involved during the week and a half.\u00a0 That was nice.\u00a0 I liked connecting with everyone before I left.\u00a0 I said thank you in Bambara \u201cin-e-chee\u201d.\u00a0 Many were surprised and pleased.<\/p>\n<p><i>After the closing, we went to get the chief\u2019s blessing and farewell.\u00a0 We marched back to the chief\u2019s place where the elders had gathered.<\/i><\/p>\n<p><b>Conclusion<\/b> &#8211; My primary recommendation is to continue to reinforce training at the commune and researcher levels.\u00a0 Practice and reinforcement is key to adopting new beliefs and behaviors with conflict resolution and consensus building skills.<\/p>\n<p>The process I use honors all people leading to 100% consensual agreement.\u00a0 It addresses concerns and fears that limit action.\u00a0 The process also changes behavior consistent with creating desired outcomes.\u00a0 The skills are highly transferable.\u00a0 One of the reasons this process is so effective in transferring skills is the process uses the primary learning ability of people, which is imitation.\u00a0 Because of this, the process is most effectively learned through an experiential process and repetition.<\/p>\n<p>Additional training activities which confront and successfully resolve conflicts include: a) being successful with finite resources and growing demand, b) decentralization and empowerment and c) managing change in the commune to create desired outcomes and gain individual, village, commune and government support.\u00a0 The first workshop resulted in demonstrating a high level of skill transfer in Madiama commune.\u00a0 This additional learning and repetition is necessary to solidify the successful transfer of skills.<\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<h3 align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\">Appendix<br \/> <\/h3>\n<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\"><b>Attachment 1 \u2013 Basic Consensus Building Process<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b><span>1.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/b><b>What is the Present Situation?\u00a0 How do you feel about it?<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b><span>2.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/b><b>What is the Worst Possible Outcome of confronting the situation?<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b><span>3.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/b><b>What is the Best Possible Outcome of confronting the situation?<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b><span>4.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/b><b>What Beliefs, Behaviors, Strategies and Actions will foster the Best Possible Outcome?<\/b><\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\"><b>Attachment 2 \u2013 Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing model<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Of all the influences we have in our life, relationships with others are the most important.\u00a0 We cannot communicate without relationships, we cannot have conflicts without relationships, we cannot have power without relationships.<\/p>\n<p>During the 60&#8217;s and 70&#8217;s many studies were done with groups, trying to understand the way in which groups are formed.\u00a0 A series of developmental stages were identified that apply equally well to one-on-one relationships.\u00a0 These have been described in many ways, using different terms, but I have found the following description the easiest to remember because it rhymes.<\/p>\n<p>Remember, though, that this is a road map.\u00a0 It appears linear because it is described in stages, each following the other.\u00a0 In actual experience, we go about this in very different ways.\u00a0 Some stages are fast, others slow, some stages may be left out, some stages may be repeated.\u00a0 Be aware of this as you explain it to others.<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 1.\u00a0 FORMING:<\/p>\n<p>We first meet as strangers, seeking something that will bind us.\u00a0 Our initial conversation is a search&#8230; where do you live, who do you know, what do you do?\u00a0 Each of these seeks some commonality that we can talk about, begin to develop a relationship around.<\/p>\n<p>This is the time when similarities are important.\u00a0 We like to be with people who are the same as us.\u00a0 This is the most non-threatening stage of a relationship.\u00a0 We develop a relationship that is safe.<\/p>\n<p>There are some who seek difference, who purposefully seek out that which is different than them.\u00a0 Those they find are also seeking difference.\u00a0 This is their similarity as a basis for the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 2. STORMING: <\/p>\n<p>This stage begins when we are confronted with our differences.\u00a0 That which brought us together is suddenly threatened.\u00a0 Because we are curious creatures, we are normally unwilling to be satisfied with the boredom of sameness.\u00a0 We begin to test the boundaries of our relationship.\u00a0 We begin to mold the other person to meet our needs.\u00a0 This is a movement to the use of power in the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>We are all different in some way, from each other.\u00a0 We differ in our ages, our cultures, our experiences when we grew up.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>In the forming stage we may agree on the value of family traditions at Holiday times.\u00a0 We like having the tree with Christmas bulbs and tinsel.\u00a0 This is our similarity.\u00a0 But, when it comes time to share Christmas together, we find that there are differences in approach we had not discussed before.<\/p>\n<p>So, I may want to buy a white fir for Christmas, because this is the way it has always been in my family.\u00a0 But, my wife wants a cedar tree, because this is the way it has always been in her family.\u00a0 I want my soft light bulbs that I have used for years, she wants her bulbs, the kind that blink on and off all the time.\u00a0 They make me nervous after being in the room for a while.<\/p>\n<p>I like to just toss the package of tinsel at the tree and watch it naturally arrange itself as it floats to the ground.\u00a0 Pat likes to place each individual strand on the individual branchlets of the tree.\u00a0 Who decides?<\/p>\n<p>Well, in my culture, the English, the male is the final authority.\u00a0 I will get to decide.\u00a0 I expect my wife to &quot;conform,&quot; to comply.\u00a0 This is the approach I was taught to use in my culture.\u00a0 I learned to conform to authority, to what was expected.\u00a0 In fact, my generation was known as the &quot;age of conformity.&quot;\u00a0 We wore the same clothes, worked an 8-5 shift, had &quot;standard&quot; job descriptions, and worked to &quot;keep up with the Joneses.&quot;\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>My wife, however, is younger, a feminist, coming from the age of rebellion, the 60&#8217;s.\u00a0 She is also American Indian, where there is a matriarchy, and decisions such as this are left up to the woman.\u00a0 She decides she will not conform, she has every right to have a say in this issue.<\/p>\n<p>Now we are entering the stage of storming.\u00a0 We have different approaches that have to be resolved.\u00a0 Normally they are resolved by you conforming to my needs, so that you continue to &quot;look like me.&quot;\u00a0 That is the safest, most stable relationship to have.\u00a0 It is also the most boring, uninteresting relationship to have.<\/p>\n<p>But, what if you don&#8217;t conform?\u00a0 What if you stand up for your views?\u00a0 Then I must &quot;force&quot; you, and that is the beginning of the &quot;power struggle&quot;, the beginning of real conflict.\u00a0 If I am a flight person, I will appear to comply, and move the storming to the non-verbal arena, by resisting quietly, with passive aggression.<\/p>\n<p>If I am a fight person, I will pit my power against yours.\u00a0 We are in a power struggle, a real storming is occurring.\u00a0 We are now reactive, emotional, motivated by worst outcomes.<\/p>\n<p>There must be a solution to this storming.\u00a0 An impasse is not desired.\u00a0 We rely on the common approaches to conflict resolution.\u00a0 I may deny the problem exists.\u00a0 Or, I may distance myself from the issue, by not talking to you about it, by not speaking to you, or by placing myself where you are not seen.<\/p>\n<p>I may seek a divorce, a termination of the relationship.\u00a0 Then I can do what I want without having to be in a power struggle with you.\u00a0 Or, if the unresolved conflict is too much to bear, death becomes an alternative.<\/p>\n<p>This is the motivation behind the violent shootings of postal workers by a former co-worker, recently.\u00a0 Because he lost his grievance, and could not accept the decision, he felt compelled to visit death upon those who participated, including himself.\u00a0 The inability to somehow resolve the storming phase of conflict is probably behind much of the violence we see in society today.<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 2A: THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES:\u00a0 This stage is not referred to in the behavioral literature, but I have observed it is necessary.\u00a0 Once the confrontation occurs, a pause is instrumental in facilitating the norming.\u00a0 The pause is similar to &quot;distancing,&quot; in that it allows some time to consider, to adapt.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>In a consensus session, I provide a break after a group has described the situation, and explored their worst possible outcomes of the situation.\u00a0 This leads them through the storming, and prepares them for the norming.\u00a0 A break allows the mind to re-consider the situation, to re-asses the severity of the worst outcomes.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>I normally provide a break after the parties have confronted each other.\u00a0 I pose a question before the break; &quot;How are we going to resolve this to meet all the parties needs?&quot;<\/p>\n<p>After the break, exploring the best possible outcomes develops the basis for the norming.\u00a0 The beliefs and behaviors that foster the best outcome are the norming.<\/p>\n<p>After confronting each other, often in a reactive way, on an issue like the Christmas Holidays, Pat and I will separate, go to different rooms, or I may go for a walk.\u00a0 This allows us to think of what was said, to re-assess our emotional reaction, to become more proactive.\u00a0 We can decide how much we overstated our case.\u00a0 We can decide how much of our connection to the way we do it is &quot;loyalty&quot; to the past.\u00a0 We can consider the points of the other party.\u00a0 Now we are ready for &quot;norming.&quot;<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 3:\u00a0 NORMING:\u00a0 In this stage the participants recognize that these differences must somehow be dealt with in a mature and growing way.\u00a0 A decision must be made that the relationship is too important to end.\u00a0 The participants must first affirm that the differences exist.\u00a0 They seek to understand why they are present.\u00a0 This means learning to understand the other person better.\u00a0 Then the question is asked:<\/p>\n<p>How can we have these differences and still remain in the relationship?\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>For Pat and I the answer was obvious.\u00a0 The relationship was too important to be the cause of dissension.\u00a0 So, I agreed to buy a cedar tree if I could put my bulbs on it.\u00a0 She put the tinsel on it, a piece at a time.\u00a0 I stayed away from this process, unable to understand the patience it took to do this.\u00a0 The Holidays were somewhat strained, because it was different, but enjoyable.<\/p>\n<p>The next year, it was easy to agree I would get my fir tree, use her blinkety bulbs, and I would get to decorate the tree with the tinsel, my way.\u00a0 Well, Pat actually helped a bit on that.<\/p>\n<p>We have begun to seriously norm, adapting slowly so that we are able to accept and appreciate each other\u2019s differences.\u00a0 We are proactive, thinking our relationship through, fostering best outcomes.<\/p>\n<p>The following year, we bought the prettiest tree we had ever seen.\u00a0 We both liked it, a noble fir.\u00a0 We also bought some new bulbs.\u00a0 And, believe it or not, I found the patience to decorate the tree a strand of tinsel at a time.\u00a0 We enjoyed the experience together.\u00a0 Now, we are entering the next stage, Performing.<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 4:\u00a0 PERFORMING:\u00a0 From this point on, once the norming is established, the relationship can perform at peak levels.\u00a0 There is still difference, but it adds to the richness of the relationship experience, because it is understood, accepted, appreciated.\u00a0 The relationship flows in a natural way, saving time because there is a common focus and an understood approach.<\/p>\n<p>STAGE 5:\u00a0 STORMING &#8211; REFORMING:\u00a0 Rarely will a relationship remain for long in the performing stage.\u00a0 The journey through the storming to the norming will cause movement and growth in each person.\u00a0 This changes the nature of their perceptions, and their information base.\u00a0 This in turn affects their beliefs and behaviors.\u00a0 They will become different people.<\/p>\n<p>In time, a new issue will arise between the parties.\u00a0 One party will want to do something new and different, as a result of personal growth.\u00a0 The result is a movement to storming, and as resistance builds, a desire for re-forming.\u00a0 The other party resists, wanting to keep things in the new and accepted way, wanting the other to conform to this new way.<\/p>\n<p>This will require the relationship to repeat the process for storming, norming in order to return to performing.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<p>The cycle is continuous, to be repeated as each person continues to grow and seek to reach his and her potential.\u00a0 Yet, the desire will continue to be to seek stability, to have conformity.\u00a0 It is easier, on the surface, and the reactive and emotional storming stage can be avoided.\u00a0 <\/p>\n<h3><span>A RELATIONSHIP PROCESS<\/span><\/h3>\n<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\">Resolution Approach<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"..\/images\/resolution_approach.gif\" alt=\"Resolution Approach\" width=\"500\" height=\"320\"> <\/p>\n<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\"><b>Attachment 3 \u2013 Fostering the Best Outcomes<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Once the best outcomes have been established, <u>then<\/u> is the time to develop the movement to make them happen.\u00a0 Fostering the best outcomes will often require looking at beliefs, behaviors, strategies and actions.\u00a0 Each of these is a different focus:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 BELIEF:\u00a0 A conviction or opinion.\u00a0 These create the behaviors of the person.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 BEHAVIOR:\u00a0 Deportment or demeanor (a person\u2019s manner towards others).\u00a0 These are manners and attitudes that are created by the basic beliefs of a person.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 STRATEGY:\u00a0 A plan of action.\u00a0 A strategy is intended to carry out a vision or mission.\u00a0 It is also a way of actualizing a belief.\u00a0 Strategies are often developed that are incongruent with the person\u2019s beliefs.\u00a0 The behaviors will then override the intent of the strategy.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ACTION:\u00a0 The act, process or fact of doing something.\u00a0 These are specific deeds that carry out the intent of the strategy.\u00a0 If they are not congruent with the person\u2019s beliefs, the person\u2019s attitudes and demeanor will nullify them.<\/p>\n<p>We are used to focusing only on action plans, or strategies.\u00a0 This is appropriate if the change is one of modification, where the beliefs are congruent with the plan.<\/p>\n<p>If the beliefs are not consistent with the plans, they will not be carried out.\u00a0 The behavior will tend to be incongruent with the action.\u00a0 In this instance, the new and adaptive beliefs must be agreed to.<\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<p align=\"center\" style=\"text-align:center\"><b>Attachment 4 \u2013 Yarn \/ Relationship Visual<\/b><\/p>\n<p>* THE TIES THAT BIND<\/p>\n<p>What is a relationship?\u00a0 That is the question I ask as I lead the group into an exploration of relationships, loss and change.\u00a0 Their answer is diverse, as diverse as they are.<\/p>\n<p>The question is asked to get their definition, and to bring them into the arena of discussing relationships.\u00a0 The definition provides an opportunity for the collective view before the activity begins.<\/p>\n<p>1.\u00a0 TWO PEOPLE, TWO RELATIONSHIPS:<\/p>\n<p>I ask two people, a male and a female, to help me in the center of the circle.\u00a0 I have pieces of yarn in my hands, each about 40 inches long.\u00a0 I refer to them as relationship strings, the \u201cTie That Binds.\u201d\u00a0 I hand each a piece of the yarn.\u00a0 I ask them to connect the relationship strings with each other.\u00a0 They look like this:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;B<br \/> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<\/p>\n<p><span>&nbsp;<\/span><br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p>Person A has a relationship with person B.\u00a0 Person B also has a relationship with Person A.\u00a0 Each of these relationships is associated with a differing perception.<\/p>\n<p>I give an example.\u00a0 Person A is Sally.\u00a0 She tells her friend, \u201cTed is the man for me.\u00a0 He takes me everywhere, to the movies, the ball game, to picnics with his friends.\u00a0 He tells me his dreams and his hopes.\u00a0 I know he is going to ask me to marry him.\u201d\u00a0 That describes her relationship perception.<\/p>\n<p>Person B is Ted.\u00a0 Ted tells his friends, \u201cSally is a wonderful friend.\u00a0 She is just like one of the guys.\u00a0 She goes to the ballgame, and is always available when I want to see a movie.\u00a0 I sure like to tell her these crazy ideas I have about life.\u00a0 I hope that when I meet the right woman, she will let me keep Sally for a friend.\u201d\u00a0 That is his perception of the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Obviously, these people have different perceptions of their relationship.\u00a0 Yet, they believe and behave as if their perception is the same.<\/p>\n<p>It is only when Sally wants Ted to go to the opera with her on Monday night, and she finds that Ted has a date with the guys to watch football that he won\u2019t change, that their differing needs and wants become obvious.\u00a0 Her disappointment, and his confusion, is a measure of their differing perceptions.<\/p>\n<p>2.\u00a0 THE MULTIPLIER EFFECT:<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s suppose, though, that Sally is right.\u00a0 They do get married.\u00a0 They decide to have a family.\u00a0 Soon, in the appropriate amount of time, they have a bouncing baby boy to them.<\/p>\n<p>Cute little Roger arrives with a relationship string for Mom and a relationship string for his Dad.\u00a0 They each also have a relationship string for him.\u00a0 I ask another volunteer to come out into the center of the circle to be the baby, and give each the appropriate number of strings.\u00a0 They connect them, a clumsy and uncertain process, just as the establishment of relationships is.<\/p>\n<p>This is how the relationship strings look now.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"..\/images\/mult-effect-1.gif\" width=\"191\" height=\"82\"><br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p>Be aware of the number of relationship strings.\u00a0 While they have introduced one new member of the family, they have increased their relationship strings to 6, a <u>threefold increase<\/u>.\u00a0 Each person added has a multiplier effect.<\/p>\n<p>Suppose they have a second child, a beautiful, intelligent girl, Ann.\u00a0 Ann has 3 relationship strings, for her Mom, for Dad, for Roger.\u00a0 They each have one for her.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"..\/images\/mult-effect-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"191\" height=\"155\"><\/p>\n<p>There are now 12 relationships to be managed in this family.\u00a0 This is 6 times the original 2-relationship perception!\u00a0 Those who are married with children know how much additional energy it takes to manage this situation.<\/p>\n<p>The number increases as more people are added to the relationship circle.\u00a0 The formula is Number of persons times the Number of persons minus one (NxN-1).\u00a0 Ten people have 90 relationships (10&#215;9).\u00a0 Twenty people have 380 relationships to manage (20&#215;19).<\/p>\n<p>A manager making a change presentation to an audience of 100 publics is managing 9900 relationships.\u00a0 This is why it is important in these situations to use small group process.\u00a0 Each group of ten is then managing only 90 relationships.<\/p>\n<p>3.\u00a0 RELATIONSHIPS WITH THINGS:<\/p>\n<p>We also have relationships with things.\u00a0 You have a relationship with your car, and it has one with you.\u00a0 You depend on the car to start, until one morning it decides to let you down.\u00a0 It is not as dependable as you perceived.<\/p>\n<p>Or, you may have a relationship with alcohol.\u00a0 You believe that you can stop drinking any time you want.\u00a0 The alcohol knows you can\u2019t, and is able to tempt you to continue.<\/p>\n<p>If our family above has an alcoholic father, the relationships look like this:<\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:59;width:89px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=89 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image032.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1057\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:41;width:51px;height:60px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=51 height=60 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image033.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1058\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:31;width:41px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=41 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image034.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1059\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ROGER<\/p>\n<table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 align=left>\n<tr>\n<td width=186 height=2><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=80 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image035.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1072 _x0000_s1070 _x0000_s1071 _x0000_s1069 _x0000_s1068 _x0000_s1067 _x0000_s1066 _x0000_s1065 _x0000_s1064 _x0000_s1060 _x0000_s1063 _x0000_s1061 _x0000_s1062\"><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<p> <span style='font-family:&quot;Book Antiqua&quot;;color:#FFFFCC'>&nbsp; <\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:58;width:22px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=22 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image036.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1073\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:54;width:118px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=118 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image037.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1074\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:48;width:195px;height:42px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=42 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image038.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1075\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:40;width:60px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=60 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image039.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1076\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:38;width:137px;height:42px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=137 height=42 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image040.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1077\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:36;width:185px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=185 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image041.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1078\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Church)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Alcohol<\/p>\n<p> <span style='position:relative;z-index:33'><span style='position:absolute;left:167px;top:-1px;width:13px;height:22px'> <\/p>\n<table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 align=left>\n<tr>\n<td width=0 height=0><\/td>\n<td width=3><\/td>\n<td width=7><\/td>\n<td width=3><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td height=22><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=3 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image042.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1080\"><\/td>\n<td><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=3 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image043.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1079\"><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<p> <\/span><\/span><span style='font-family:&quot;Book Antiqua&quot;;color:#FFFFCC'>&nbsp; <\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:52;width:70px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=70 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image044.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1081\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:51;width:80px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=80 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image045.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1082\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:46;width:70px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=70 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image046.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1083\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:45;width:80px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=80 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image047.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1084\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:44;width:147px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=147 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image048.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1085\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:43;width:147px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=147 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image049.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1086\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 SALLY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 TED<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ANN<\/p>\n<p>When Ted comes home drunk, he affects all the members of the family.\u00a0 Sally argues with Ted over the drinking.\u00a0 Roger and Ann may choose sides, one of them defending their father.\u00a0 This affects their relationship with their mother.\u00a0 They are now managing 20 relationship strings (5&#215;4).<\/p>\n<p>If Sally has a relationship with the church that keeps her away from the family, this too affects them all.\u00a0 It increases Ted\u2019s reliance on alcohol.\u00a0 The children act out to get their mother\u2019s attention.\u00a0 They now have 30 relationships to manage (6&#215;5).<\/p>\n<p>4.\u00a0 RELATIONSHIP WITH CONFLICTS:<\/p>\n<p>Unresolved conflicts have a way of becoming part of the relationships in a family.\u00a0 If Dad and Mom have an argument over the Christmas tree, this eventually affects them all.\u00a0 The children roll up their eyes and go to their friend\u2019s home.\u00a0 Again, they may take sides.\u00a0 Ted just drinks more, using the Holiday as an excuse.\u00a0 Mom spends more time with the church.<\/p>\n<p>Each unresolved conflict impacts other unresolved conflicts.\u00a0 Sally tells Ted he would not be so stubborn about the tree if he wasn\u2019t always drunk.\u00a0 He tells her he wouldn\u2019t drink if she would agree to move to a new location.\u00a0 They are now managing 56 relationship perceptions (8&#215;7).<\/p>\n<p>5.\u00a0 RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE:<\/p>\n<p>Ted wants to move to a new location where he can get a promotion.\u00a0 He can\u2019t understand why Sally won\u2019t move.\u00a0 Maybe they could start over in their relationship and leave the old one behind.<\/p>\n<p>Sally doesn\u2019t want to leave the security of her work with the church.\u00a0 The children don\u2019t want to leave their school and friends.<\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:100;width:99px;height:137px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=137 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image050.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1087\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:99'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:99px;height:137px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=137 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image051.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1088\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:98;width:147px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=147 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image052.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1089\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:97'><span style='position:absolute;left:138px;top:-1px;width:147px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=147 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image053.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1090\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:96;width:185px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=185 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image054.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1091\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:95'><span style='position:absolute;left:100px;top:-1px;width:185px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=185 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image055.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1092\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:94;width:108px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=108 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image056.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1093\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:93'><span style='position:absolute;left:177px;top:-1px;width:108px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=108 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image057.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1094\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:84;width:109px;height:118px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=109 height=118 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image058.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1095\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:83'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:118px;height:128px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=118 height=128 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image059.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1096\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:82;width:195px;height:137px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=137 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image060.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1097\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:81'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:195px;height:137px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=137 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image061.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1098\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:80;width:195px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image062.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1099\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:79'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:195px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image063.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1100\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:78;width:291px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=291 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image064.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1101\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:77'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:291px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=291 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image065.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1102\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:76;width:195px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image066.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1103\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:75'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:195px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image067.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1104\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:62;width:99px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image068.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1105\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:61'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:99px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image069.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1106\"><\/span><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Friends\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ROGER\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 School<\/p>\n<table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 align=left>\n<tr>\n<td width=100 height=2><\/td>\n<td width=89><\/td>\n<td width=103><\/td>\n<td width=185><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td height=128><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=89 height=128 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image070.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1107 _x0000_s1108 _x0000_s1124 _x0000_s1123 _x0000_s1122 _x0000_s1121 _x0000_s1120 _x0000_s1119\"><\/td>\n<td><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=185 height=128 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image071.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1117 _x0000_s1118 _x0000_s1116 _x0000_s1115 _x0000_s1114 _x0000_s1113 _x0000_s1112 _x0000_s1111 _x0000_s1110 _x0000_s1109\"><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<p> <span style='font-family:&quot;Book Antiqua&quot;;color:#FFFFCC'>&nbsp; <\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:162;width:42px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=42 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image072.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1125\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:158;width:12px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=12 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image073.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1126\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:148;width:127px;height:90px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=127 height=90 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image074.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1127\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:145;width:204px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=204 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image075.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1128\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:135;width:300px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=300 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image076.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1129\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:63;width:204px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=204 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image077.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1130\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Christmas Tree\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Promotional move<\/p>\n<p><span style='position:relative;z-index:64'><span style='position:absolute;left:100px;top:-1px;width:377px;height:99px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=377 height=99 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image078.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1150 _x0000_s1149 _x0000_s1146 _x0000_s1148 _x0000_s1147 _x0000_s1145 _x0000_s1144 _x0000_s1143 _x0000_s1142 _x0000_s1141 _x0000_s1140 _x0000_s1139 _x0000_s1138 _x0000_s1137 _x0000_s1136 _x0000_s1135 _x0000_s1134 _x0000_s1133 _x0000_s1132 _x0000_s1131\"><\/span><\/span><span>&nbsp; <\/span><\/p>\n<p> <br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:160;width:41px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=41 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image079.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1151\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:159;width:41px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=41 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image080.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1152\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:156;width:89px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=89 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image081.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1153\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:155;width:89px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=89 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image082.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1154\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:150;width:204px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=204 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image083.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1155\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:149;width:195px;height:51px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=51 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image084.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1156\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:144;width:281px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=281 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image085.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1157\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:143;width:281px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=281 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image086.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1158\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:134;width:339px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=339 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image087.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1159\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:133;width:339px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=339 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image088.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1160\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:132;width:291px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=291 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image089.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1161\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:131;width:291px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=291 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image090.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1162\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:130;width:176px;height:51px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=176 height=51 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image091.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1163\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:129;width:185px;height:61px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=185 height=61 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image092.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1164\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:128;width:99px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image093.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1165\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:127;width:99px;height:70px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=70 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image094.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1166\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:126;width:99px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image095.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1167\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:125;width:99px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image096.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1168\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:66;width:377px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=377 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image097.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1169\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:65;width:377px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=377 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image098.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1170\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Church)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Alcohol<\/p>\n<p><span style='position:relative;z-index:154'><span style='position:absolute;left:138px;top:-1px;width:51px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=51 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image099.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1171\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:153;width:51px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=51 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image100.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1172\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:152'><span style='position:absolute;left:138px;top:-1px;width:166px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=166 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image101.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1173\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:151;width:157px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=157 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image102.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1174\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:142'><span style='position:absolute;left:186px;top:-1px;width:195px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image103.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1175\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:141;width:195px;height:41px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=41 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image104.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1176\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:140;width:80px;height:22px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=80 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image105.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1177\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:139'><span style='position:absolute;left:292px;top:-1px;width:89px;height:32px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=89 height=32 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image106.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1178\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:137'><span style='position:absolute;left:378px;top:-1px;width:3px;height:51px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=3 height=51 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image107.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1179\"><\/span><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:68;width:243px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=243 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image108.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1180\"><\/span><span style='position:relative;z-index:67'><span style='position:absolute;left:138px;top:-1px;width:243px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=243 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image109.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1181\"><\/span><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 SALLY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 TED<\/p>\n<table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 align=left>\n<tr>\n<td width=191 height=2><\/td>\n<td width=99><\/td>\n<td width=33><\/td>\n<td width=61><\/td>\n<td width=4><\/td>\n<td width=3><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td height=14><\/td>\n<td colspan=4><\/td>\n<td rowspan=3 align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=3 height=22 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image110.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1184\"><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td height=3><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image111.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1182\"><\/td>\n<td><\/td>\n<td align=left valign=top><img decoding=\"async\" width=61 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image112.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1183\"><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td height=5><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n<p> <span style='font-family:&quot;Book Antiqua&quot;;color:#FFFFCC'>&nbsp; <\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <br clear=ALL> <\/p>\n<p><span style='position:absolute;z-index:74;width:195px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image113.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1185\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:73;width:195px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=195 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image114.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1186\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:71;width:60px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=60 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image115.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1187\"><\/span><span style='position:absolute;z-index:69;width:99px;height:3px'><img decoding=\"async\" width=99 height=3 src=\"http:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/stories\/Mali_Conflict_files\/image116.gif\" v:shapes=\"_x0000_s1188\"><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 School\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ANN\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Friends<\/p>\n<p>This family is trying to manage 132 relationship strings (12&#215;11).\u00a0 No wonder they feel stressed out when they get together.\u00a0 No wonder they don\u2019t get together very often.\u00a0 Sally is at Church, Ted at the bar, the children at their friends.<\/p>\n<p>These relationships take energy to manage.\u00a0 Each unresolved conflict and change event \u201cpiggybacks\u201d energy of the other.\u00a0 When Ted and Sally argue about alcohol, the church, the tree, the promotion, the school and friends become instruments of war.<\/p>\n<p>6.\u00a0 RELATIONSHIP WITH LOSS:<\/p>\n<p>If Sally gives in and agrees with a move, this creates more stress.\u00a0 For each member of the family there is a process of \u201cletting go\u201d and \u201ctaking hold\u201d that must happen.<\/p>\n<p>Ted must let go of the old position, and take hold of the new one.\u00a0 Sally has to do the same with church, the children with their friends and school.\u00a0 The change doubles the number of relationships to manage from 12 to 24.\u00a0 This increases the number of relationship bonds to 552 (24&#215;23).<\/p>\n<p>In order to reduce the stress with change, this family must confront the changes they are going through.\u00a0 This begins with reaching closure with the present and the past.\u00a0 The family members explore two questions:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow do you feel about leaving this location (friends, school, job, etc.)?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat did you learn here that you want to take to the new experience with you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This allows the family to acknowledge the change, to express their feelings, and grieve about it, to move on to acceptance.\u00a0 Answering these questions allows the past to be integrated into their memory, into their being.\u00a0 This reduces the number of relationships they manage by half, and the number of relationship strings from 552 to 132.<\/p>\n<p>Acceptance continues by reaching out to make sense of the future experience.\u00a0 Similar questions are answered to take hold of the new location: \u201cHow do you feel about going to the new location (friends, school, job, etc.)?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you want to learn from this new experience?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This process helps the family move through all the change stages.<\/p>\n<h4>Change One, Change Them All<\/h4>\n<p>Some are panicked by the notion of all these strings.\u00a0 If you are facing the notion of working with 20 people, then there are 380 relationships to manage (20&#215;19).\u00a0 This appears impossible.<\/p>\n<p>Yet, the real power is in the one-on-one relationship.\u00a0 All relationships are interrelated.\u00a0 Touch one and you touch them all.\u00a0 Improve on one and you affect them all.\u00a0 There is no way of knowing if the move is positive or negative, but there is still movement.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jeff Goebel This is a purposeful first person account of a training workshop I conducted for the SANREM CRSP-West Africa.\u00a0 Leading members of the newly formed Natural Resource Management Advisory Committee of Madiama Commune, local administrative and elected officials, extension &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/aboutlistening.com\/wordpress-files\/writings\/services\/conflict-resolution-workshop\">Continue reading <span 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